Here is a brief example of what you might expect from my feedback.  This excerpt was taken from the second round of story notes following a rewrite by a very talented writer.  (As of this writing, I am happy to report that this particular script is currently in pre-production.) 

I use this excerpt with the client’s permission.  All names have been changed to protect the material.

Dear Suzanne,

I finished my current read-through of your wonderful story last night.

The good news is that I love the new additions, which brilliantly alleviate my concern about Maureen and her truant ways; i.e., Ruby informing Samantha that Maureen has not “left,” but just needs “a moment.”  Perfect.  And I like Maureen back at the seaside cottage, trying to call Samantha, but Samantha not hearing her cell ring because she’s too busy dealing with Billy’s school prospects.  Simple and clean and very nice.

But there’s plenty more work to do.  So let’s get to it.

First, (and perhaps I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll mention it again, because I feel very strongly about it) -  

I don’t believe that all four people – Maureen, Samantha, Ruby and Billy – would all abandon/leave Allison alone in the hospital, after her fall from the horse.  As a mother, there is no way in hell I would leave my child alone in the hospital over night.  NO WAY.  Wouldn’t happen.  Couldn’t happen.  Unless I was a crack head and needed my pipe.  I don’t care if Allison is completely in a coma and therefore has no idea if anyone is there or not - don’t leave her alone in the hospital.  She’s a little girl!  Ruby and Samantha are already Moms and Maureen is doing her best to learn to be one, so even if Maureen thought for one moment that it was “time to go home” for the night, don’t you think Ruby and Samantha would tell her to stay?

And, aside from that, I don’t believe for one moment that Maureen would want to leave.  I don’t believe any of them would.  And if they do want to go home for the night and leave Allison all alone in the hospital, then I, as an audience member, DON’T LIKE THEM ANY MORE. They should be fighting over who stays at the hospital – they are all wonderful people and they should all WANT TO STAY, not leave.

I would believe that Samantha and Ruby would need to get back to their businesses, to be there for their customers in the morning.  So they can go.  But Maureen – and Billy – should stay with Allison in the hospital.

This accomplishes many things:  it shows us that Maureen is really taking this Mom stuff seriously, it reinforces what a great guy Billy is, and it still allows you perhaps the most important moment in the story – when Maureen hears herself telling Billy that it was “just an accident.”  There is no reason why that can’t happen in Allison’s hospital room – and I promise you it will be a thousand times more lovely and powerful with Allison zonked out in bed with her concussion/confusion (which I love, by the way – great line) and Maureen and Billy having this beautiful moment there in the sterilized confines of the hospital. (If you want to know more about what it’s like to set up camp in the hospital with your sick kid, I’ll be happy to tell you.)

My opinion is that it could have a wonderfully profound effect on both Maureen and Billy.  Can you see Billy peeking into other sick children’s rooms?  Or Maureen in the hospital gift shop, finding the horse pajamas for Allison?  Or just a toy horse – which would be equally as lovely a totem, and perhaps a little more simple and believable, in terms of gift buying in a hospital gift shop.

So.  That’s a big note, but it’s pretty important.  This moment in your story says a lot about who all these people really are.  It’s a golden opportunity to show your audience how Maureen is growing as a person and as a Mom.  Find the magic in this moment and the spark will light your way.